Do We Praise Too Much?

Why do we feel the need to praise our kids? And what happens if we praise them too much?

Unfortunately, our society has become one that comments on physical appearance, outward accomplishments, & praising for EVEN the smallest achievements. When you praise a child (ie: "good job!"), you are providing external motivation rather than letting the child internalize how they feel about something they did, wore, etc. External motivation is a problem because it pushes kids towards behaviors that they feel please you rather than allowing them the freedom to choose what they like to do. It also pushes children to seek out praise to feel good about themselves, rather than internally feeling good about what they do and who they are.

What to do instead of praising?
Sometimes a simple nod or smile is enough. When your child accomplishes something, focus on what they did... “you built a tower,” rather than externally praising them “omg you’re so good at building!”

So what do you do when others provide external praise to your child(ren)?
1. Intervention- when your partner/caregiver/family member consistently praises your child, try narrating what the child did to model what to do instead.

2. Removing the praise – If you were to record how many times a day you praise your child, I think you’d be shocked. Reframe how you praise your child: focus on the task rather than the accomplishment. And think about why you are praising them- most of the time it’s due to making you feel better about yourself as a parent.

3. Closing the loop – Have a conversation with family & friends about praising & explain the rationale. Keep in mind, you will never completely avoid it so it’s important for you to set the bar with your child as you have the most interaction with them.