How to Handle Meltdown + Tantrums

How do you handle when your kids are melting down and are heading into tantrum territory?

When your child is having a meltdown, remember you CANNOT get through to them until they are calm. Before I review how to handle what to do, I encourage you to consider the following to identify what might be going on for your child:

There are different types of tantrums but here are the top 3 and how to handle them: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

*The sleepy/hungry tantrum. Keep in mind when your child is feeling this way, it is not their fault. Try (and I know it is hard) to plan your day around their nap and meal times. That said, I frequently will do errands during snack time so they can be occupied while I’m getting things done. ⠀⠀⠀

*The control tantrum. “I want things my way and any way you do it is wrong.” For example, I peel the banana, and my child wanted to peel it themselves. In that case, you validate "You’re mad because you wanted to peel the banana. You may have this one if you want and next time I will ask you first." When they start to scream, let them sit with their feelings and say "I can't hear you right now, when you are calm, I can help you." Some children will want cuddles while they are calming down and some won't.

*The defiance tantrum where you ask them to do something, and they just say “no,” which leads to a tantrum. Getting a toddler to do something can be a task in and of itself. You want to help foster getting them to pay attention to their environment and engaging in a sense of ownership and responsibility. When possible, observe and notice instead of pointing out the obvious. This is where language is critical. For example, instead of saying can you put your clothes away, try using the word may. I.e., “you MAY put your clothes away” as it is very empowering and they can do it on their own. When this doesn't work, try to make a game out of it and say “I see a yellow shirt on the floor, I wonder where that goes...” or instead of you need to give the dog water, say “hmm…the dog’s water bowl is empty.” This helps grab the child's attention and makes them think it is a game.

The common theme amidst all meltdowns and tantrums is waiting and/or supporting your child to calm down before applying an intervention. Some kids may need a sense of touch/slight pressure to help them calm down, but check in with them. If they are calming down, then you can start to let go. (*I recognize this is difficult to do, especially if you have multiple kids. If one of your other kids asks for you while you are busy with your other child, say “I can’t get up right now but show me what you need.” You don’t want to put focus on the child who is having a tantrum or create resentment leading the other child to possibly act out).

We wait for the child to calm their body down because they cannot hear you while they are screaming or in distress. Let them know that you are with them by saying “When your body is calm, I can help you.” Some kids may need cuddles and some need to just scream it out next to you or in a corner. Every kid is different. Once they are calm, validate their feelings and acknowledge what they wanted. Let them know what you need them to do, and let them know when they can do what they wanted to do or what they may do instead. Say: “It is my job to make sure you are safe, to make sure your body and mind are growing, and to make sure you are being kind.” Most things in a child’s life relate to these 3 things. Close the loop by saying “I love you.”

For example, once they are calm:
1. Validate their feelings “I know you are really mad right now.”
2. Validate what they were doing (even if it’s wrong in your eyes) “You really wanted to pour the salt on the table.”
3. Correct “Pouring salt on the table can be fun, I see that, but salt stays in the jar and is used for food only. When we get home, I can give you some water to pour out or we can go to the park to play with some sand…etc.”
4. Close the loop. This is the most important part & one that’s often missed. “I love you and it’s my job to make sure you are safe, you’re a good person & that your body is growing.”

What should you do if this happens in public?

First, try to remove yourself from the situation. If you’re in a restaurant/store, step outside. Say “I am going to pick up your body so we can take a break.” Ideally, if you see it starting to escalate, you want to get outside before the hitting. Squat down, sit with them and let them know “I am here. Let me know when your body calms down. It’s hard for me to hear you when you’re screaming (point to your ear).” If it gets bad enough & they are continuing to scream, they’re telling you they need to go home & that’s OK!

What happens when you need to leave and your child is screaming and crying?

This is a very typical reaction for a toddler because they don't understand the concept of time and they don't realize you will come back. Depending on a child's personality, I typically find that preparing your child for what is coming up is really best. For children who tend to be more anxious, preparing them for what is coming can provide a sense of relief. We talk about where I am going, and what I will do and when I will come back (after nap or before bedtime or they will see me in the morning), and they know I will check on them. Sometimes for oldest, I will go in and check on him and place a sticker on his bed so he knows that I went in there if he wakes up. Kids really like when you "check in on them." They often feel like they are missing out on what they are doing and want to know that you are watching them. Also, preparing them for the following day or what you will be doing with them when you return, is something you can discuss to distract them from the fact that you are leaving. For example, you can say, when you wake up tomorrow, you may help me make pancakes for breakfast.

Keep in mind it is not only okay but healthy for your child to get mad. Yes, you might think this is crazy but this is something that they need to learn how to handle. If children don’t learn how to properly express their emotions and how to calm themselves down, it can be a problem for their development. All meltdowns and tantrums are teaching moments and learning opportunities. It is hard to see that when we are all going through it, but consider the longterm benefits and significance of distress tolerance, and check out my tantrum highlight on Instagram to see this in action.