When a Child Hits
When your child hits, your automatic response might be "we don't hit" but that is a difficult concept to grasp, especially at the toddler age when children don't know their own strength.
Try to observe the situation and figure out what your child is trying to convey to you. At the toddler stage, your child is seeing that for every action there is a reaction, and there are lots of reactions going around with adults especially. Pause to assess the situation:
Is a child or sibling in their space?
Is a child or sibling taking a toy that they want?
Are they trying to tell you something by getting a rise out of you?
While you aim to figure out what is going on, the first thing to say and do is to make your hand flat and put it in between the children (or between your child and whomever they are hitting) and say "I am putting my hand here to keep everybody safe. It’s my job to keep everybody safe” and then it is really about trying to observe what the child is trying to convey.
You want to connect the need with the child. It is really important to slow the child down and equalize their breathing and getting them out of their flight or fight mode when they are so worked up. Otherwise, it is not possible for them to receive additional messaging when they are so worked up.
Calmly saying "let me see your hands" and holding them and saying "these kind hands are for helping." Demonstrate for your child what a soft touch looks and feels like by taking your hand and placing it on their face, saying “this is what gentle feels like. Now you show me on my face how gentle feels.” That way they have a physical example of what their touch feels like.
Another approach might be to say, “I’m going to hold your body to keep everyone safe.” Some children may need a sense of touch/slight pressure to help them calm down, but check in with them. If they are calming down, then you can start to let go.
If your child hits another child, squat down and say to the other child "would you like them to use gentle hands? Show me on your face what gentle hands feels like" and have them show what gentle hands feels like. Give them a chance for redemption by saying "how can you help your friend? Can you get them some water or an ice pack or maybe draw them a picture?" This allows them to take responsibility, and have the chance to repair and learn from their unkindness.
I recognize this is difficult to do, especially if you have or are handling multiple children. If one of your other kids asks for you while you are busy with your other child, say “I can’t get up right now but show me what you need.” You don’t want to put focus on the child who is having a tantrum or create resentment leading the other child to possibly act out.
If your child is hitting and in the midst of a meltdown AND you are in public? First, try to remove yourself from the situation. If you’re in a restaurant/store, step outside.
Say “I am going to pick up your body so we can take a break.” Squat down, sit with them and let them know “I am here. Let me know when your body calms down. It’s hard for me to hear you when you’re screaming (point to your ear).” If it gets bad enough & they are continuing to scream, what they are telling you is that they need to go home & that’s OK!
Once they are calm, validate their feelings. Instead of asking “why” they were hitting, which may add pressure and shame to the child, reframe your language. For example, instead of asking “why did you hit your sister?” Say “I won’t let you hit. It’s my job to keep everyone safe. I know you are mad at her for taking your toy. I get it. You may say “when I’m done with my turn, you may have a turn.”
Are you struggling with your toddler hitting their siblings/friends/your partner/you?
A follower recently reached out to me for guidance in communicating with her toddler who keeps hitting their dog. Here’s what I suggested applying my guidance from above ⬆️:
Q: My 18 month old keeps hitting our dog and thinks it is funny. How can I make it stop?
A: Your automatic response might be "we don't hit" but that is a difficult concept to grasp, especially since toddlers don't know their own strength. Try to observe the situation and figure out what your toddler is trying to convey to you. Your child at this age is seeing that for every action there is a reaction and there are lots of reactions going around with adults especially and with an animal or a dog or a sibling or whomever it may be. The thing is that your child doesn’t know their own strength, and they don’t realize how strong they are, so that is why they don’t know if they’re actually hurting someone or something. So your automatic response to the situation may be to say stop hitting the dog, in reality that causes a reaction in the adult to the child, so the child will inevitably keep doing it.
In an effort to stop or minimize the behavior, what you want to do in the moment is to put your hand flat in between the dog and the child and to say “I won’t let you hurt Ziggy (or - insert dog’s name). It is my job to keep everyone safe.” This way you are explaining to the child that you won’t allow the dog to hurt the child and you won’t allow the child to hurt the dog. And then you’re going to actually go a step further and explain to the child, “Wow you are so strong!”Because kids don’t know their own strength. Let them know that their strong muscles are actually hurting the dog, and then model to them what gentle actually feels like. Demonstrate for your child what a soft touch looks and feels like by taking your hand and placing it on their face, saying “this is what gentle feels like. Now you show me on my face how gentle feels.” That way they have a physical example of what their touch feels like.
You are only going to do this if they are capable and ready to receive this message. If they are riled up or continue laughing, they are not ready yet and you will let them know that you will allow them the time to calm their body while separating them from the dog.