How do you talk to your kids about death?

Death is a complicated and sensitive topic to discuss, especially with our kids. While the concept of death and loss is difficult no matter the circumstances, the death of a grandparent, for example, can be easier to explain than a sudden tragedy. Depending on your child's age, they will likely have many questions. Why and what questions your child is asking are most likely connected to their wanting to know that they are safe and that you are not going anywhere and not going to die, so emphasizing their and your safety is what’s important.  

Here are some tips to help you navigate this difficult subject: 

Be Honest and Age-Appropriate: Tailor your explanation to your child's age and understanding. Avoid euphemisms and be direct but gentle in your language. Avoid giving more information than necessary which will likely just confuse your child.

Avoid Using Fear-Inducing Terms: Be mindful of using words like "sick," "hospital," or "doctor" when explaining death, especially if those terms are associated with routine experiences like check-ups or a flu/cold. You want to prevent unnecessary fears related to common health issues.

 Highlight the Difference: If explaining the death of someone older (for example, a grandparent) emphasize the distinction between their age and yours to reassure your child about your well-being. Keep in mind your kids view you as old, so you really want to emphasize that the person is REALLY old. 

Addressing Sudden Loss: When discussing an unexpected death of someone in their prime:

·        It's OK if you don't have the answer to your child's question. You can let them know: "That's a great question. I want to think about it and I will get back to you on the answer." 

 ·       Answer ONLY their question and not anything more; be concise. For instance, if your child asks, "Why did he die?" your answer could be: "There was a REALLY bad accident, something that rarely happens." Or if they ask, "Are helicopters safe?" Your response would be "Yes." Do not feel the need to go beyond specifically what they are asking. 

·        Be patient and understanding. It's normal for kids to have a lot of questions about death. Answer their questions as best you can and be patient with them if they need to ask the same question over and over again.

·        Actively listen to your child's thoughts and feelings without dominating the conversation. Most of the time, you, as the parent, do too much of the talking, especially in this scenario. Just listen. ⠀

Normalize Grief:  Be a good role model. Show your child how to cope with grief by being open and honest about your own feelings. Let your child know that it's OK to feel sad, angry, or confused after someone dies. These are all normal emotions to feel after a loss. 

Self-Expression: Everyone grieves differently. Some kids may need to talk about their feelings, while others may grieve quietly. Help your child find healthy ways to express their feelings about death. This could involve play, creating art, writing in a journal, talking about their feelings to you, or a therapist. Let your child grieve in their own way and be there for them to support them.

Monitor Conversations and News: Be mindful of your conversations and of the news when your children are present. Children pick up on more than you might think, so preserving their innocence is essential.

Use Books as Resources: There are numerous books available that can help children understand and spark conversations around these complex emotions. Here is the list of books I like for explaining death and grief. 

It Takes Time to Grieve: With your elementary-aged kids & teenagers, they may be trying to move on from their sadness. But you will [all] likely have moments where you feel better and moments that remind you of this sadness. Remember that these feelings of sadness come in waves and will be less frequent over time. Depending on what feels appropriate, prepare yourself and your children for potential triggers such as birthdays and holidays, which may intensify feelings of sadness. 

 In summary, your children's questions about death often stem from a need for reassurance that you are safe and not going anywhere. There really is no right or wrong way to talk to your kids about death. Offer simple, honest answers while being compassionate and understanding that the grieving process varies for everyone, regardless of age.