Renew Owens wrote: “The most important developmental landmark your children need to make at this age is learning how to solve their own problems. Be a beacon of light that they can always see, while letting them experience the discomfort of this change for themselves.”

This quote just highlights the importance of letting your child learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable while being resilient. The time between 8 1/2-9 1/2 is often referred to by Waldorf educators as the nine year change. The Nine Year Change is an important and anticipated developmental milestone, and yet can be very surprising for both children and parents/caregivers. During this time, the child is moving away from a more imaginative state and entering a more inquisitive, curious phase as they are developing a sense of self. 

Mystery and magic begin to fade and are slowly replaced with more reality.  Children start individuating from their parents. This can be scary. They realize that the adults in their lives (parents, teachers, etc) are not always perfect, and thus they begin to rebel, to test, to question, and to challenge. Children may internalize their fears, and this appears in acting out in defiance, often accompanied by rudeness and opposition. During this time, children start to question themselves and those around them, as well as the rules. They start to wonder “do parents really know everything?” Are these rules justified? They struggle with right and wrong. 

Parents can support their children through this process by being calm, patient, and compassionate. Foster their critical thinking skills by engaging in dialogue and not dismissing their inquisitiveness, do not take their inquisitiveness personal. Be there to re assure them that it is normal to feel this way and that they are aren’t alone. All these supportive measures will support their confidence. Don’t rush in to fix this, just hold the space. Be the stable presence needed. There will be eye rolling, sarcasm, adamant yes’s and no’s. And always remember what you model is more important than anything you could ever say.

With more capabilities comes more responsibility. This is a great time to look at how your child contributes to the family and add new responsibilities. This comes in the form of homework, responsibilities such as making your own bed, folding laundry, setting the table, unpacking their lunch box, etc. Children may feel frustrated or even uncomfortable, something that parents need to observe and follow, and not be alarmed by. There’s a balance between being supportive and nurturing versus letting them make more mistakes with trial and error. We as parents need to find a balance between structure and letting go. 


At this age, parents and the child’s teacher want to nurture their sense of self, competence and a sense of belonging through team projects and participation. As a parent, you might find yourself having interesting conversations with your child. Car rides become more compelling between parent and child. That said, there is a fine line between giving them more freedom and information, versus treating them like a teenager. Don’t skip this phase or gloss over it. It is still important to nurture their sense of wonder and play and they are not quite ready for the main course yet.


Remember: As challenging as many interactions are likely to be, the 9-year change is a good thing. Children are entering a more complex space of consciousness. At this stage, children often want to know how things work, show independence, and become more communicative as their thoughts and ideas deepen in complexity. They are becoming discerning individuals, developing who they are, and who they want to be.

Maybe last but not least, as your child navigates these turbulent times, remember to have empathy and patience with yourself. I always say it takes a village and this is where you may need to rely on your support system for help.